Dear Diary,
Today was like any other day. What made it different was my e-conversations with two people-well, one. The “other”, I didn’t get to chat with and that upset me as well.The conversation I had with someone didn’t go all that well.
What started off as casual exchange of pleasantries ended up so abruptly that it made me want to introspect and speak my mind out-for a change.
This someone, a best friend and a Kindred Spirit was amused and inquisitive about the personal message I had on Friday and wanted to know more.
After some deliberation, I decided to spill the beans and confessed that it had something to do with him. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be that honest. All I get in return is a cold shoulder!
Now, if you are wondering what the fuss is all about? “Heartbreaks are painful; ask me, I’m numb”. This is what it’s all about. A simple line explaining my state of mind and in good humor. Mind you, I am not whining or miserable about the heartbreaks- they are inevitable. A phase everyone goes through at some point or the other. A heartbreak cannot not be limited to failed love, anything that pains your heart is a heartbreak-as simple as that.
What actually created an unpleasant situation is the fact that I confessed to him that he was the reason for my heart being broken. The times he avoids my calls or distances himself, my heart would ache. It’s normal isn’t it? Especially who thinks with the heart, anything remotely emotional can cause pain. I am trying to change.
He worries too much about me and the world, feels that I am being stupid to think and feel the way I do and that I need to change myself so as to not feel the way I feel.
Love is not as easy as it seems. It can get messy. But when in love, one is surely oblivious to everything else.
All I know is that I love him deeply enough to have accepted the fact that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. It never did matter. In fact, when I had the chance to find out, I chose to remain ignorant. If it matters, then it made sense in finding out. I really wonder why my being in love and not expecting anything in return is bothering him and a few others around me so much.
I have always known that he will never be mine, never did go that far in thinking either. Then what’s this fuss all about?
If loving him and reminiscing the times we spent together can make me feel so good about myself, why should I be deprived of such happiness?
I respect him for being so caring and for suggesting that I move on with my life. What he probably doesn’t realize is that my feelings for him are independent of what I feel for others.
A loner like me prefers my “Neverland”, a fantasy world where my imagination turns into reality. I prefer Neverland most of the time as it keeps me happy and oblivious to everyone and everything around me, numb to my surroundings. This feeling of numbness is a much better feeling than the feeling of loneliness amidst a crowd.
Coming back to the fussed up question- Is it so hard to believe that one can be in love while not expecting anything in return? Take my example, it is perfectly possible. I enjoy every moment of being in love with you.
Don’t take away this little piece of ecstasy from me as that is all that keeps me alive.
Coming back to the “other” one I had earlier mentioned about, I am still waiting.
-Cogito Ergo Sum
9-Mar-2007